Trapped

When you think of a prison, the walls someone is hidden behind, the limited freedom, the control posed over one’s actions, can you empathize with them?

Are you fundamentally free-er than a prisoner? Are you, in fact, a prisoner?

The way I see it, we ourselves live within very definite limitations, our body for instance, our limited views of the world, our inability to control our harmful urges and habits. Limitations equal restrictions and restrictions equal control that equals an imprisonment shrouded within a belief in a conventional freedom, namely the freedom of choice, i.e doing what we want. We are very restricted in what we do. Since childhood we are told what is right and wrong, what we can and cannot do, what is acceptable and not etc. These are very definite limitations that need to be resisted and broken through, if freedom is what we desire.

By desiring freedom we also desire a way of being that is without limitations, without borders or restrictions. But when our body is the final and very definite borderline, how can we ever become something that is limitless? In the very core of our individuality that is bound with the body, are we not also bound to an existence that by definition has to be unfulfilling, confusing and seemingly without meaning.

But something as fundamental as the very core of our individuality can’t just be ridden of. How could something that by definition is restricted and limited become limitless? That would be like saying that our body would contain the universe! It is a paradox, for something limited and restricted even to be able to desire something like freedom. Because to desire an end to what restricts us, what binds us would also mean to desire the end of that very individuality, death.

A big price to pay for freedom, giving up gain, our sense of security, our “knowingness”, dying. Stepping into the unknown to find a freedom we can’t see is something a person, an individuality won’t and can’t do. Not by itself. Something has to step in and take the lead, like a blind person needing someone to guide we also need someone to take us through the darkness.

How could something limited bring any lasting satisfaction? Being free while bounded with restrictions, is that even possible?

We can’t see a prison. We are the prison.

 

 

 

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Superficial

Ask yourself right now, are you superficial? Or, is there a part of you that is?

Whoever we think we are, we would never think ourselves as superficial. We are always better, neater, smarter and deeper then our neighbor, you agree? Through certain rationalizations we start believing that we are better, that we are special, that we are unique. I agree that in some ways we are unique but still, does that have to mean that we are somehow special? Everybody looks and acts different, wants and desires different things but fundamentally, there is no difference.

But instead of stating things it might help to reform the question. Is that you, that we so praise, is it itself, fundamentally superficial? Is there something deeper than that I within us that is not?Is there something beyond it? If we look closely we might see that this I is only an outer part of us, a superficial part, and maybe see or at least start suspecting that there is something beyond that. Whatever we do, however we act, whoever we think we are, being superficial is a part and a definite constant of us. I believe that can’t be changed but I also think that it is an altogether different matter to see and discover if there is a pre-existing part of us that lies deeper, beyond.

Now even though that we, that us might be superficial, that does not mean that there is no beneficial way of acting in regards of getting what we truly desire. Like in all areas of life, an earnest, honest, persistent person has a better chance in achieving something than someone who lacks those attributes. But we should be careful not to confuse the way we are with what we want to achieve. What we truly desire, I believe, lies even beyond that, beyond all our appearances, beyond our personality, beyond the I.

What I see in that direction is a great silence, a great innocent understanding, acceptance and grace that is waiting for my arrival offering it’s presence. Now I am not sure, but, I think it is smiling…

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Connection to Within

The perfection we all, I suspect, experience as a child is still a possibility. We feel we have lost it but within there are ways to connect with that “inner child”. At least this is what I am compelled to believe in.

Somehow as a child there was this ever present clarity of being with the world and now it seems as if it would gone. But is it really gone? We complicate things with our constant analyzing of things and in this way forget to appreciate the possibility that maybe, just maybe there is a truer way of existing. But before we can find any means at all to “reconnect” we need to discover the deep heartache that longs for this connection to be re-established and praised. 

But how does one connect to that feel of a radiating perfection from within? Or should I say from without…

When I look at my personal experience it seems as if there still would be a connection, a lifeline but something would be blocking it. Like a penny blocking the sun. As if something would still be shining from the beyond, like rays of the sun reaching down to me behind the clouds this massive dark shape opposing my gaze towards that inner perfection.

My immediate experience tells me that things are not as they used to be when I still was a child but when I try to find differences between then and now I find it difficult to find anything that would offer itself as an explanation. As if the difference would be so slight and fine that distinguishing a difference between those states would be impossible. But how can this be when the difference seems like the difference between night and day?!

Somehow this has to be bypassed and gone beyond but how? Is there really any rational way or ways that really would make sense? Anything that could be explained or made clear intellectually? The thing is that all that I need is already here, I can feel it. But if that is true, how can I ever find something that is ALREADY HERE?!

This is where I run against a wall and am yet to find ways to go further. The seeking continues.

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Through the eyes of the child

Whatever we seek, we always have a goal, a certain endpoint or at least some ideal what we strive towards. That ideal might change quite a few times before we finally through struggle and trouble hone into what hopefully is our final target.

I have always been searching for happiness, which I still am. Now, even though I am still looking for happiness, what it means for me has changed. Whatever it meant for me five years ago is not what it signifies to me now. But whatever the subjective meaning, in the end it always comes to this: where is happiness? Where can I find it? What is it really? And trying to hone into this all from different angles. So where is it? What I believe is that before the end of seeking there cannot be any absolute/final answers, only partial ones, i.e knowing where it is not! For me this still is a work-in-progress. But I believe I am getting closer.

Do you remember how you felt as a child? How it was so simple to just be and to do whatever it was that we did and doing without having any doubts about any of it. Only a very simple way to be.

When I now think of those times I see that there was some connection to a part of me that since has been forgotten or ignored. Now that connection has taken a vital position in my search for happiness, I believe the answer to all my questions lies in that direction. But how can one reconnect with itwhatever it was I experienced as a child? What is it that has made me/us lose this connection, this perfection?

Is it possible to connect with that sense of perfection once again?

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Trust and faith

Q: How can I make out whom to follow and whom to mistrust?

A: Mistrust all, until you are convinced. The true Guru will never humiliate you, nor will he estrange you from yourself. He will constantly bring you back to the fact of your inherent perfection and encourage you to seek within. He knows you need nothing, not even him, and is never tired of reminding you. But the self-appointed Guru is more concerned with himself than with his disciples.

-Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

I consider myself lucky because I did not have to look for long before I found people I felt I could trust and have faith in. I came across the TAT-foundation when I was searching for more spiritual material in the internet and after a time became so impressed by the authenticity and the appeal to common sense they had that I could not stay away.

When we have trust or/and faith we should be wary and take caution. As people we have a tendency to see things that appeal to our desires, hopes and wishes or things that admire us, make us feel special and so on as true. With this we ignore our intuition on things, not to mention common sense.

Trust and faith are not things we should take lightly, we should not dive into things with the first positive wims the first thing we see or that appeal to us.  My trust has only deepened not because I blindly trusted or believed, but because of the inner confirmation that in time came for the things I read or heard. Trust wont deepen without inner confirmation, we might think it does but often, I think, it is ourselves turning a blind eye to a healthy doubt and intuition and to instead have blind faith which brings us security and confirmation keeping us safe of our own insecurities.

Trust and faith are things that should be attained with time and effort. Trust/faith is something very intimate, something very heartfelt, it is nothing superficial. There is no trust without an inner knowing that does not go away with time or with the change of moods. It remains there, even though underneath, always. Trust remains even though our patterns change.

I don’t think we can even trust anything that is false or that rings false, we can only turn a blind eye and keep on believing for the sake of prolonging our self-comfort.

To have true trust, I don’t think one can be dishonest about that.

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You know, but just now

Whatever you know now, wait, you wont know it for long. It might take a day, a year or a minute but whatever you think you know always changes. To be clearer, the belief of something being certain shifts from one object to another depending on your momentary experience and the direction (good/bad) your past experience tends to put and has more weight upon.

Every argument you start or take part in you do because you are convinced you know something for sure, or that you know something more than someone else. The moment you or someone else doubts that certainty, it disappears. Whatever the nature of the cause of that doubt, it does not matter. You have become unsure of what you were certain of just by the new direction of your thoughts, whether guided or not.

People react differently in these situations. Some get furious and deny anything in any way possible to dodge the self-doubt, some turn that hatred upon themselves and despair, and probably just a very few, I suspect, really take a look at their convictions and accept the implications. Who likes to see that they are actually living a contradiction?

I suspect that unacknowledged underneath all of us know when we are wrong or when we are being dishonest, the problem lies in the difficulty to admit that. To admit our mistakes afterwards is a lot easier than to resist our momentary conviction powered by a rush of emotions, it’s hard to react before reacting. But it is better to admit afterwards than not to admit at all.

A lot of trouble could be avoided by being simply being honest, the harder thing is to stop being dishonest. The shock of seeing that the problem, in the end, is always us and not them is not an easy thing to accept and acknowledge.

We all want to know something for sure. We might not know now but we also cannot know if we only think that we do. Living without believing is an enormous cause of fear within us, we get a glimpse of it more often we think we do. Losing faith in our convictions happens by seeing their falseness or “untrueness”, if we really want to know we need to go through the pain of losing faith, the pain of disillusionment.

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We see what we believe

We always interpret the world through our momentary convictions. Those convictions are affected greatly by and are also based largely upon our present emotional state which again is a state with it’s own convictions. We buy in the stories these convictions tell us strongly enough to make it harder to be honest with ourselves. You know what I am talking about, on a bad day we see more bad things than good things and on a good day…you get the point.

But for some reason, even though secretly, we don’t want to see through the way our emotional state convinces us to see. Something in us protects that state, we are afraid to see that the only thing that makes it real is actually, just a belief. Think about a thing you failed at, that really upset you. In a moment like that, how much did you think about the things you succeeded in? Did you have a tendency to trust/believe the things that supported that feeling of failure?

If we believe we know something, like what kind of a person we are, what really is happening in a situation or how something works, our mind prefers to look at things that support that knowledge/belief and to keep out or ignore things that might contradict it (Who doesn’t like to be right?).  What if we just did really not know, what would the implications be? What would that mean?

The more attached we are to a specific belief, the more protective we get about it when the belief in question is under threat. When someone contradicts what we believe, there is a tendency for some sort of agitation like anger etc to arise, for example we might get into an argument. When this happens it actually means that something within us recognizes our own unknowing/ignorance but that gets covered up and hidden by the agitation in these situations. We lose the chance to doubt ourselves by protecting ourselves from the possible pain that doubting ourselves or our convictions might cause. For what are we without our beliefs?

However if we remain/are open to doubt, even though it has a very negative connotation, it will help us through the hard times we will face in life. If we don’t give our convictions the benefit of believing them 100%, the letting-go-of is bound to happen faster and more easily. When this happens, the way gets cleared up for us.

In these convictions there is no real certainty, only the certainty we believe in. However strongly one might believe, it does not have anything to do with what is true.

Letting things go will happen eventually anyway, but why prolong it?

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